so after jumping around blogs... i find myself coming back here.
the bad thing is im still just as messed up as before, and i still dont know what to do, or where im going.
you know what i was thinking? twitter's a funny thing. you "follow" people, but how many of them actually know where they're going? haha.. i know, i know. its not the point. or is it?
yea im just rambling on about things so that my mind doesnt stick onto it right now, but it keeps surfacing every 2 seconds after i STOP thinking about it. i guess life doesnt work that way... its not supposed to leave you alone. now if only life could leave me alone. if only i could feel my soul soar... yeah, none of this is supposed to relate. that's what i get for being so distracted all the time...
for some reason i hope no one reads this. and there it is. the contradicting feeling.
the need for someone to read this. who knows what i really want... i know i dont.
sometimes i wish i could just... let everything drop.
my parents are all up in my face about everything, my dad's "unreasonable and over-protective" but yeah. i know he loves me. but im a rebellious teenager. what more can you expect? im sorry im not that high 90s student you've always wanted me to be, im sorry i never work hard at anything since i dont believe it'll happen anyways, im sorry i've stopped trying 95% of the time. yes. i know the only time i try is when i desperately want something to happen. when my want overrides my logic. well, in most cases not my logic, but my laziness. im a bad role model, and i fail at doing things the right way. im the kind of person who wants to be legit and do everything well, but always ends up automatically looking for shortcuts.
no i dont know why im saying all these things, but i just gotta get my brain running... and get all these random thoughts and feelings out.
im not sure if i was right in doing what i did, and im definitely not right for constantly telling you and letting you know how miserable i am after i did it. yeah, you dont wanna make things hard for me... and im making things almost unbearable for you? that alone should drive you away from me.
i still believe that the person's out there, and you'll realize one day. knowing this, it's become too hard for me to bear that key... it now sits in its box, and it will wait until that day, when you finally meet her. alright? when you realize that the girl that you gave your heart away to today, isnt the girl of your dreams. there are amazing people out there waiting to meet you.just go.
♪ it hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay
and it might be all right if you go... sometimes i wish you would leave me.. ♪
everything hurts so much... yes, i've sorted this out the right way apparently, but im still halfway in?
how is that possible. its not so much "solved" anymore, huh. someone should just slap me in the face and scream and yell and HATE ME. since i dont love myself.
Before you let me fall, Kill me so I don't feel it at all And Push my body up against the wall And pick yourpoison Cuz everything feels wrong And I don't know where I belong
Take me for granted Make me feel used Leave me in pieces Misery is company Cuz I know that it's real I've learned to love the pain Cuz that's the only way that I know how to feel
Maybe it's a phase Maybe I'll break out of it someday Maybe this is just my twisted fate I always feel like everything is wrong AndI don't know where I belong
Take me for granted Make me feel used Leave me in pieces Misery is company Cuz I know that it's real I've learned to love the pain Cuz that's the only way that I know how...
To feel your arms around my neck I'm suffocating with regret from all the wasted hours spent Believing I was never meant To touch the face of something real These "so called" scars will never heal And I put down a deal Cuz that's only way that I know how to feel
Take me for granted Make me feel used Leave me in pieces Broken and bruised
Take me for granted Make me... I promise that you'll Never keep on fallin' to pieces Misery is company Cuz I know that it's real I've learned to love the pain Cuz that the only way that I know how to feel
I know how to feel... You're the only way that I know how to feel
-add- If anyone is actually reading this, then sorry. im really emo and in a really spaz-ish mood. so its really messed up... sorry. yes im putting a disclaimer. dont read this if you're not in the mood for the rant of a selfish high school student who almost wants to hate everything. well actually i think the last paragraph is alright. -add-
So its been a week and a day after commencement, and honestly.im so SFOAIHR;GOAHRL... T.T yea yea. whatever.
so at commencement, through the entire thing i could NOT find my friend. until they were moving to the caf to line up to go on stage and get their diplomas. I was so excited, but then it occured to me: he doesnt care. he would have called ._. he doesnt even know that YOU care about him being here or not.
my excitement died. i could NOT concentrate on the music i was supposed to play. almost nauseous we finished the song and i sat down, and soon later got up again just to watch the grads get their fake diplomas which were actually just rolled up papers(they got their actual ones later). but yea.. when he walked across the stage i could not help but think of how important he was to me. the impact he had last semester on me when he helped me with data, and taught me the lessons i'd missed... the kindness, the humour... the teasing that came along with the friendship. you could say i miss it all... i miss him in general, but tonight made me realize how unsignificant i was in his life, i mean i was just some gr 11 girl that just so happened to be in band and in his data class last year in high school, which is over for him. I dont like him, its the fact that i miss his presence there in the school, he taught me many things, but never shared any of himself. i realize i know nothing about him almost. but yea...its like the support i had last year is completely gone.
last saturday was mcmaster's open house, which also happens to be the university he goes to. i mean, i honestly DO want to get into mac because of their apparently amazing kin program, but i wanted to see how the campus and facilities are, since i've only been to see waterloo's. but i just could not concentrate on the university without thinking of how he's not there but was there the day before, and that would lead to the disappointment once again. i guess i overreact to everything... im sensitive. deal with it.
but yea on to more recently... as in today.
today was an alright day, but slightly disappointing... to myself, i've been a terrible asian for the past 17 years, but right now i'd like to think what the heck. honestly, what's WITH this stereotype of chinese being smart? i mean it makes me feel like im "not asian" or like im just plain stupid. but WHAT THE HECK?? WHY cant my marks drop? im HUMAN. i get EXHAUSTED. but apparently my dad just doesnt understand. its been a long 2 months... exhausting. i've worked hard.. yes not as hard as i could have but HEY! IM TRYING. i threw away what was important to me and came this way. not that i dont enjoy it now, it's just so much less than what i've dreamed of. but what the heck. i mean, this will be my way to not starving and being a fail daughter. apparently. but onwards...
yes my day got slightly better when i went to TC captain meeting and had fun playing guitar and stuff with a couple of friends in the second half when we were "meeting our co-captains" though i already knew one. Im pretty sure we'll work well together, so that's good. But the person i was looking forward to seeing the most didnt show... its alright xP i'll see them next month... and maybe sometime in between if im willing to spend another 20 bucks to go down there one saturday... maybe. we'll see.
I guess tonight made me feel a bit better... i mean, I got to help a friend of mine. We go to school but dont talk in real life much. more msn, since its easier to open up when the person's not right in front of you. But yea. Like all guys, he keeps stuff cooped up and obviously that's not very good. but im glad i could help, even by just listening. I know that God was there. He knew that my friend there needed someone to listen, and i guess i was that someone today. I know that its hard to talk to people, which i guess is one reason i type most of my stuff here... but yea. it made me feel good that i could help someone, and remind them that not only was i going to be there to listen, but also God was always there. And that was always something that struck me as amazing. Honestly. how many people are going to be there for you FOREVER. to listen and to talk to whenever you need, and want to. i assure you that NO ONE ON EARTH will be able to do that forever. but God. He loves us so much... :) God: I just want to say thanks for giving me opportunities to reach out to other people too. Love you -em
so its been a while since i've gotten any decent sleep, my eyes are in pain, they're both red and annoying me... i think i need sleep.
sometimes it seems like nothing's fine, but it seems like its coated with something to make it seem like it'll work out. oh life... you're such a pain sometimes
when i write these things i just let my fingers run and type out these words i've learned as a "language". sometimes, they dont make sense to anyone, even me, until i read it over. then i think and try to understand what my fingers are trying to tell me about myself.
sometimes i wonder if life is supposed to be this hard. there are so many things that are unknown to everyone except God.
there are times when i feel like... "forever" might be a bit too long. is this because maybe.. i dont love Him enough? is this why i feel uncertain?
sometimes i feel like i'm in a dream, where forever.. is just an illusion. maybe i'm being affected by this world, and that's why i feel this way. maybe i need to disconnect myself from the world, and reconnect with Him.
talking to Him seems so easy. i mean, there are times where the words that i use are so formal and "respectful" but it makes me feel like im so far away from Him. and there are other times where i just talk. like im talking to myself, yet its more than that. so much more... i feel like there's the closeness, the amazing comfort it brings when i pray like that. i dont know what to say about it.
sometimes it makes my mind simply... blank. and other times... well. i just start thinking and i can almost hear Him laughing, saying "there she goes again, thinking too much" or maybe its just because i do that too often.
well, i'll never know until i finally see Him one day, but when that day comes, i just might ask Him to make forever seem not as long... haha... but that's not really possible is it.?
I have some really weird complexes in my mind, which i find only works in concepts, and never with logic and sentences.
in another sense... what is a "mind" is it your brain? or your concience? or the seemingly empty space where you can "see" things happen, or "imagine" as we would say now. everything seems to be a blur when i think of these things...
But yeah. as i said, i'll ask Him then, when i see Him, and hopefully i won't be crying in sorrow, but tears of joy to finally meet the One who has been looking after me, and chasing after me time and time again when i go wrong, when my thoughts bring me to do things i should never do again, and i never hope to be tempted to do again. i dont want to hurt myself anymore. i've withstood the temptations till now... i cant give up on myself here. not here, not now, not ever. until He comes, i need to be strong, and give up everything to Him, let Him run my life, because He bought it with His blood. and though our God deserves so much more than us, we are what He decided to love and cherish. so i'm gonna try my hardest to make my Father proud.
yes, this is another one of my long run-on things that i just type as i go, and silently say the same thing over again in my head! yay.
